My story.

[Heather H]

In April 2009 I fled a abusive relationship. I packed 2 car's of as much as my children's essentials as I could and left while my now ex was at work; being the only way I could get away safely with my children. I was in this relationship since I was 18 having 3 children my oldest son at the time being 6, my daughter almost 2 1/2, and my youngest son being only 7 month's old. The night I left the next morning my son got up at 5:00am and got the locks undone and let himself outside of my mom's townhouse complex where I was staying at the time. My son is special Ned's diagnosed with autism and adhd. My daughter woke me up I had him inside within 15 min. of him getting outside. A week after 2 social worker's knocked on my door saying the had a report of my son playing outside on his own in his pj's without sock's. I explained what had happened and what I was going through, I needed help getting everything together. I explained I was isolated for a long time, my kid's have seen a lot of violence to ward's me. My daughter needed dental work, my youngest was born at 28 week's barely 3lbs and was in the hospital from September - December coming home at 4lbs. They seemed disbelieving until one of my ex's mom called them to confirm how horrible their son had been to us and how bad she felt, and that I was a good mom just needed help. The ministry started by demanding me take my youngest to the doctor because he was so small. The doctor told them he was small because he was born so early and perfectly healthy. They then got someone to help me get my Id's and help me cart my kid's around. I was unable to get income support without my Id's. They then started to harass me telling me to put my kid's in voluntary care because of all the catch up needed and because I did not drive. After being harassed and promised it was just till I got onto my feet I agreed reluctantly. I wanted my son's who both needed extra care to get all the help they needed as fast as possible even though it broke my heart and I have never been away from my children for a extended amount of time. I kept my daughter in care they told me I had to put her in day care saying she was too attached to me. They also made me start seeing a councilor about all I been through. My daughter had very sensitive skin in the beginning of July of 2009 it was super hot and my daughter wet her diaper during the night and got a bad rash. I took her to daycare the next day put cream on her. The daycare called the ministry about the bad rash. Walking home from the daycare that day a car came up beside us, it was the social worker she told me to come in the next morning after. I felt sick to my stomach I knew it was about the rash. After saying goodbye at the daycare to my daughter she always cried when I left making me feel awful I told her I'd see her soon and to have fun. I went into the office where they told me I had to put my daughter into care. That I had to sign the voluntary care agreement or they'd take me to court. They said they were picking her up at daycare and it would be less traumatic for her if I was not there to say goodbye I disagreed and argued but they beat me down till I felt flat as a pancake. So without my children I found out I could not get income support, nor was I getting any other kind of benefit. I got money from early inheritance but had to pay rent at my mom's which was not at all a good place to be. I ended up in my situation for a reason. I also had to pay to get around, my kid's visits. Plus trying to save to move out in my own place so I could get over night's and visits at home. The ministry ok'd my oldest to be put on medication against my wishes, I was worried about him he was losing weight and had bruises and even bite mark's from the other kid's at his foster home. I voiced my concerns with no response. My daughter got very sick in October of 2009 with H1N1 I stayed with her while she was in the hospital. The disease attacked her lungs giving her asthma. I caught H1N1 too and was quite sick. My cough was so bad I burst a cyst I had in my ovary. It was so painful I could not walk or stop bleeding. Having to take the bus everywhere I missed a couple of my children's appointment's not being able to reschedule with anyone. After a month of pain my daughter was in the hospital again in the beginning of December with her asthma. I stayed with her, and had finally saved enough for to move out of my mom's place to my own apartment in the beginning of December. I started having my daughter stay overnight with me once a week, my youngest son too, and my oldest on the weekend because of school. All was going well incidence's ever happened. My family worker was very impressed by my progress. I was planning on asking to getting my daughter back only having a 1 bedroom apartment, then with her in my care I would be able to get benefit's and start progress on subsidized housing to get a bigger place to get my boy's home. I told the social worker after Christmas that I wanted to have my daughter back in my care. She told me she did not think I was strong enough yet which made me feel horrible because I felt so good about everything. I went into a meeting with the social worker, they told me that the appointment's I missed when I was sick worried them about my responsibility. That they worried my son because of his PTSD from the abuse I went through and that I was a trigger. And that my family worker had reported that she worried about my attachment. My family worker told me they told her she did not have to write anymore report's and that must of been from the beginning when I was in shell shock still and felt I had a great relationship with my kids. The day after the meeting after crying all night feeling horrible because I felt before I was told different proud of my progress and never felt in question of my devotion to my kid's. The social worker buzzed my apartment and said she wanted to see how I was. She then slapped down a court document telling me they were taking me to court within 2 days. I lawyered up and got a appeal to get give me time. The ministry then put my under supervised visits and cut my visits down to 2 hours twice a week. I was devastated but stayed strong for my children. They did not understand asking me if they could stay with me, telling me how much they missed me. My daughter who was now 3 was constantly telling people that her mommy was nice and became very clammed up. Whispering how she felt in my ear feeling like I was the only one who cared and listened. My youngest was flourishing it felt good he was doing so well and was still so attached to me. My goal was for him to never have to see the abuse that my oldest had to witness. My oldest was put on more and more medication I was told it was the only way to handle him. I thought this was ridiculous I had raised him for 6 year's without any need for medication he just needed time and attention. This went on for a year I did everything I was supposed to council ling, parenting courses, my visits, and my kid's appointment's. I was unable to find a job having such a big gap in work history and having to be always on the go to do what the ministry asked. I then got a new social worker who did not want to talk or be even human to me. Her stand was my kid's were going to be given up for a adoption so it did not matter any way's. I fell more and more behind being financially stretched using up my early inheritance just to get by. There was no way I could get everything I needed clothes, furniture, extra savings for before I get benefit's to get my kid's back in my care. This carried on then in July of 2010 my oldest escaped from his foster home in the morning, got into a construction site; climbed to the second level of the building was running and fell through a whole through the floor onto cement. He fractured his skull and hip. I got a message from his foster mom that he had a accident and it was bad. I was beside myself with grief, I called the foster mom she said she'd would not tell me anything the social worker had to. It took me 2 day's in order to get someone to tell me what happened my social worker being on vacation. I wanted to see him and they told me the family went on vacation and he was staying with a family friend being in a wheel chair and I had to wait till they got home. None of it made sense I had to wait a month to see him. I talked to him on the phone he asked if he could stay with me so I could take care of him. I had to tell him there is nothing more I would love but unfortunately it was not possible. In September 2010 I had my court case, I was excepted at school, had plans for my kid's care while I was going, and was saving to soon move into a 2 bedroom place. I was told that I was a good mother who's been through much more then I deserved. That I had done everything to get my children safe and should be commended. But unless I had everything for them to be in my care as of the next day there was nothing could be done and too much time has gone by for any further delays. I was heart broken everyone seemed to be, even the social worker who originally took my case, and their lawyer were crying. My lawyer hated she did not have anything more she could do. She then told me to continue my progress, do not let the ministry know my plans or they would just keep looking for ways to make me look bad, and cancel my visits. And when I was ready to call her put in a appeal and she would get my kid's back. I felt so empty but the gleam of hope was enough to keep me going. I moved into my two bedroom basement suite my visits got cut to once a week. I continued to get everything together making great progress and was ready to put in my appeal beginning of January. Around my birthday in December I got a call telling me they had a adoptive parent for all 3 of my kid's in upper BC. That they did not want a open adoption. I was devastated there was nothing more I could do. I had my visits and had a great Christmas spoiling them as much as I could trying not to cry the whole time. I was called in to meet the adoptive mom in the beginning of January. She seemed nice, very religious. I told her that my oldest was on too much medication for my liking, and that he acted tough but he needed so much love and that a lot of times you need to approach him. I told he my daughter was very insecure and artistic, she was shy but needs you to take her aside and really listen. She was afraid to make mistake's and this held her back when I wanted her to know it's ok to make mistake's it happens to everyone and that's how we learn. And my youngest was a spitfire who and like all 3 of them very musical which ruin's in our family. I was told that the next visit would be my last. And also that no one had told my kid's they would not see me anymore. I got everything together I wanted my kid's to have, I felt like a lamb being led to the slaughter. I cried the whole time, my daughter now almost 5 had already been up to her new home and was happy thinking she would go back and fourth to see me still. I had to tell her I did not think that was going to happen and that her and her brother's made me the happiest I have ever been but don't think I'll be seeing her for awhile. She went quiet told me it was ok, kissed my cheek and told me she loved me forever and that she would look at the pretty bracelet I gave her and think of me. And that at night she would think of me and know I was thinking of her too. My oldest did not understand and kept asking the family worker and his foster mom walking away why he could not see his mom anymore. My youngest did not understand and just hugged me and said he loved me forever like his sister. I since have been a basket case, seeing families together makes me cry, and everyday has been an emotional struggle. I was told by the ministry before our last visit to give myself time to grieve. I do not understand how this was better than to just help me get on my feet. If I had money, a car, and family support this would not have happened. They payed the foster parent's around $803 from my research for each kid my oldest being over a $1100 for being special needs. If even half of this had been given to me the parent to help me get on my feet this would not of happened. This system is so flawed, and leaves you feeling helpless and less then human. I unfortunately thought they truly wanted to help and wised up in not enough time. I was told within the first week of mcfd involved my children were highly adoptable. Freshly out of a abusive relationship explaining my situation got asked doesn't anyone care about you. It seemed to them because I had my children in a bad situation that meant something towards my attachment to them. No one asks to be here, and I never thought of my children in any way but the sunshine in all the darkness. The councilor I was placed with worked for them there for nothing was disclosed and everything was twisted to the ones who paid her mfcd. After 8 month's I was placed with a social worker who had not seen me and my kids together and only met me a few times always sick or away during meetings or appointments. I was told she did not have to see me and my kids together, yet she was able to say anything she wanted to about my parenting. I went to a family meeting with a judge, I asked why I was being supervised. When the judge said I should not be she social worker said I was not. Then in a after meeting said I could not see my kids unsupervised. The judge also looked at my file and said it was obvious I was in a hole trying to dig myself out and obviously put my children first, and that I was bright and well together and asked if they really needed to put me through this and not help me. The social worker just looked blank and smug and shook her head no. In the end I was told that I was a good mother just been through to much, and that I could have other children. I have ovarian cyst's which appeared after my last child and I will probably not be able to have any more children. Feeling the worse pain of having my heart ripped out knowing I had no power and they wanted to take my kids away forever. I gulped down my tears I was told not to hold it in and I would need to grieve. I now have not seen my children in 6 month's and I shed tear's everyday missing them. Looking for work had been horrible with such a big gap in work history being a mom. And working somewhere seeing happy families would be torture. I am left with nothing but the horrible empty hole in my heart. My kids were my world, and now I am just a abused woman, who is socially awkward and has to struggle just going to store and passing the toy section. I really have no idea how I am to cope with missing my kids childhood. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought I may see them again one day.